CHICAGO ALL THAT JAZZ VELMA Come on babe Why don't we paint the town? And all that Jazz I'm gonna rouge my knees And roll my stockings down And all that jazz Start the car I know a whoopee spot Where the gin is cold But the piano's hot It's just a noisy hall Where there's a nightly brawl And all That Jazz Slick your hair And wear your buckle shoes And all that Jazz I hear that Father Dip Is gonna blow the blues And all that Jazz Hold on, hon We're gonna bunny hug I bought some aspirin Down at United Drug I case you shake apart And want a brand new start To do that- VELMA AND COMPANY Jazz COMPANY Skidoo! VELMA And all that Jazz COMPANY Hotcha! Whoopee! VELMA And all that Jazz COMPANY Ha! Ha! Ha! It's just a noisy hall Where there's a nightly brawl ALL And all that jazz CASELY(spoken) Listen, your husband ain't home, is he? VELMA (Spoken)No, her husband is not at home. Find a flask We're playing fast and loose ALL And all that jazz VELMA Right up here Is where I store the juice ALL And all that jazz VELMA Come on, babe We're gonna brush the sky I bet you luck Lindy Never flew so high 'Cause in the stratosphere How could he lend an ear to all that Jazz? COMPANY Oh, you're gonna see your sheba shimmy shake VELMA And all that jazz COMPANY Oh, she's gonna shimmy 'till her garters break VELMA And all that jazz COMPANY Show her where to park her girdle Oh, her mother's blood'd curdle If she'd hear her baby's queer For all that jazz VELMA COMPANY And All that jazz Oh, you're gonna see Come on, babe Your Why Don't we paint Sheba The town? Shimmy shake And all that jazz And all that jazz I'm gonna Oh Rouge my knees She's gonna shimmy And roll my 'Till her garters Stockings down Break And all that jazz And all that jazz Start the car Show her where to I know a whoopee spot Park her girdle Where the gin is cold Oh, her mother's blood'd But the piano's hot Curdle It's just a noisy hall If she'd hear Where there's a nightly brawl Her baby's queer And all that jazz For all that jazz ROXIE(Spoken) So that's it, huh Fred? CASELY(Spoken) yeah, I'm afraid so, Roxie. ROXIE(Spoken) GIRLS(Spoken) Oh, Fred... Oh, Fred... CASELY(Spoken) Yeah? ROXIE(Spoken) Nobody walks out on me. CASELY(Spoken) Sweetheart- ROXIE(Spoken) Oh, don't "sweetheart" me, you son-of-a-bitch! COMPANY Hotcha! Whoopee! Jazz! ROXIE(Spoken) Oh, I gotta pee! VELMA No, I'm no one's wife But, Oh, I love my life And all that Jazz! COMPANY That Jazz! FUNNY HONEY ROXIE Sometime's I'm right Sometime's I'm wrong But he doesn't care He'll String along He loves me so That funny honey of mine Sometime's I'm down Sometime's I'm up But he follows 'round Like some droopy-eyed pup He love me so That sunny honey of mine He ain't no sheik That's no great physique Lord knows, he ain't got the smarts Oh, but look at that soul I tell you, the whole Is a whole lot greater than The sum of his parts And if you knew him like me I know you'd agree What if the world Slandered my name? Why, he'd be right there Taking the blame He loves me so And it all suits me fine That funny, sunny, honey Hubby of mine AMOS(Spoken) A man's got a right to protect his home and his loved ones, right? FOGARTY(Spoken) Of course, he has. AMOS(Spoken) Well, I came in from the garage, Officer, and I see him coming through the window. With my wife Roxanne there, sleepin'...like an angel... ROXIE AMOS(Spoken) He loves me so ...an angel! That funny honey of mine AMOS(Spoken) I mean supposin', just supposin', he had violated her or somethin'...you know what I mean... viloated? FOGARTY(Spoken) I know what you mean... AMOS(Spoken) ...or somethin'. Think how terrible that would have been. It's a good thing I came home from work on time, I'm tellin' ya that! I say I'm tellin' ya that! ROXIE He loves me so That funny honey of mine FOGARTY(Spoken) Name of deceased... Fred Casely. AMOS(Spoken) Fred Casely. How could he be a burglar? My wife knows him! He sold us our furniture! ROXIE Lord knows he ain't got the smarts AMOS(Spoken) She lied to me. She told me he was a burglar! FOGARTY(Spoken) You mean he was dead when you got home? AMOS(Spoken) She had him covered with a sheet and she's givin' me that cock and bull story abou this burglar, and I ought to say that I did it 'cause I was sure to get off. Burglar, huh! ROXIE AMOS(Spoken) Now, he shot off his trap And I believed her! That cheap little tramp. So, she I can't stand that sap Was two-timing me, huh? Well, then, she can just Swing for all I care. Look at him go Boy, I'm down at the garage, Rattin' on me Working my butt off fourteen With just one more brain Hours a day and she's up mucnhin' What a half-wit he'd be on god-damn bon bons and jazzing. This time she pushed me too far. If they string me up That little chiseler. I'll know who Boy, what I sap I was! Brought the twine That scummy, crummy Dummy hubby of mine! CELL BLOCK TANGO LIZ Pop ANNIE Six JUNE Squish HUNYAK Uh uh VELMA Cicero MONA Lipschitz! LIZ Pop ANNIE Six JUNE Squish HUNYAK Uh uh VELMA Cicero MONA Lipschitz! LIZ Pop ANNIE Six JUNE Squish HUNYAK Uh uh VELMA Cicero MONA Lipschitz! ALL He had it coming He had it coming He only had himself to blame If you'd have been there If you'd have seen it VELMA I betcha you would have done the same! LIZ Pop ANNIE Six JUNE Squish HUNYAK Uh uh VELMA Cicero MONA Lipschitz! LIZ(Spoken) GIRLS You know how people He had it coming have these little habits He had it coming That get you down. Like Bernie. He only had himself to blame Bernie like to chew gum. No, not chew. POP. If you'd have been there Well, I came home this one day If you'd have seen it And I am really irritated, and I betcha you would looking for a little sympathy Have done the same! and there'e Bernie layin' He had it coming on the couch, drinkin' a beer He had it coming and chewin'. No, not chewin'. He only had himself to blame Poppin'. So, I said to him, If you'd have been there I said, "Bernie, you pop that If you'd have seen it gum one more time..." I betcha you would and he did. Have dome the same! So I took the shotgun off the wall and I fired two warning shots... ...into his head. ALL He had it coming He had it coming He only had himself to blame If you'd have been there If you'd have seen it I betcha you would Have dome the same! ANNIE(Spoken) GIRLS I met Ezekiel Young from He had it coming Salt Lake city about two years ago He had it coming and he told me he was single He only had himself and we hit it off right away. To blame So, we started living together. If you'd have been there He'd go to work, he'd come home, I'd If you'd have seen it mix him a drink, We'd have dinner. I betcha you would Well, it was like heaven in Have done the same two and a half rooms. He had it coming And then I found out, He had it coming "Single" he told me? He only had himself Single, my ass. Not only to blame was he married If you'd have been there ...oh, no, he had six wives. If yo'd have seen it One of those Mormons, you know. So that I betcha you would night, when he came home, I mixed him Have done the same! his drink as usual. You know, some guys just can't hold their arsenic. LIZ,ANNIE,JUNE,MONA VELMA AND HUNYAK Hah! He had it coming Pop, six, squish, uh-uh He had it coming Cicero, Lipschitz He took a flower In its prime And then he used it And he abused it It was a murder But not a crime! JUNE(Spoken) GIRLS Now, I'm standing in the kitchen Pop,Six, carvin' up the chicken for dinner, Squish,Uh-uh, minding my own business, Cicero,Lipschitz and in storms my husband Wilbur, Pop, Six, in a jealous rage. Squish,Uh-uh, "You been screwin' the milkman," Cicero,Lipschitz he says. He was crazy Pop,Six, and he kept screamin', Squish,Uh-uh, "you been screwin the milkman." Cicero,Lipschitz And then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times! ALL If you'd have been there If you'd have seen it I betcha you would have done the same! HUNYAK(Spoken) Mit kersek, en itt? Azt mondjok,hogy a hires lakem lefogta a ferjemet en meg lecsaptam a fejet. De nem igaz, en artatlan vagyok. Nem tudom mert mondja Uncle Sam hogy en tettem. probaltam a rendorsegen megmayarazni de nem ertettek meg... JUNE(Spoken) Yeah, but di you do it? HUNYAK UH UH, not guilty! VELMA GIRLS My sister, Veronica and He had it coming I did this double act He had it coming and my husband, Charlie, He only had used to travel round with us. Himself to blame. Now, for the last number in If you'd have been there our act, we did these 20 acrobatic If you'd have seen it tricks in a row, one,two,three, I betcha four,five...splits, spread eagles, You would back flips,flip flops, Have done one right after the other. The same! Well, this one night we were in Cicero, He had the three of us, sittin' up It coming in a hotel room, boozin' and He had it coming... havin' a few laughs and we ran out of ice. So I went out to get some. I come back, open the door and there's Veronica and Charlie doing Number Seventeen- the spread eagle. Well, I was in such a state of shock, I completely blacked out.I can't remember a thing. It wasn't until later, when I was washing the blood off my hands I even knew they were dead. They had it coming They had it coming They had it coming all along I didn't do it But if I'd done it How could you tell me that I was wrong? VELMA GIRLS They had it coming They had it coming They had it coming They had it coming They had it coming They took a flower All along In its prime I didn't do it And then they used it But if I'd done it And they abused it How could you tell me It was a murder That I was wrong? But not a crime! MONA GIRLS I loved Alvin Lipschitz He had it coming more than I can possibly say. He had it coming He was a real artistic guy... He only had sensitive... a painter. Himself to blame But he was troubled. If you'd have been there He was always trying If you'd have seen it to find himself. I betcha He'd go out every night You would looking for himself Have done and on the way The same! he found Ruth, Gladys, Rosemary and Irving. I guess you can say we broke up because or artistic differences. He saw himself as alive and I saw him dead. ALL The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum LIZ,ANNIE,MONA VELMA,JUNE,HUNYAK They had it comin' They had it comin' They had it comin' They had it comin' They had it comin' They had it comin' All along All along 'Cause if they used us 'Cause if they used us And they abused us And they abused us How could you tell us How could you tell us That we were wrong? That we were wrong? VELMA,JUNE,HUNYAK He had it coming He had it coming He only had Himself To blame. If you'd have been there If you'd have seen it I betcha You would Have done The same! LIZ(Spoken) You pop that gum one more time! ANNIE(spoken) Single my ass. JUNE(Spoken) Ten times! HUNYAK(Spoken) Miert csukott Uncle Same bortonbe. VELMA(Spoken) Number seventeen-the spread eagle. MONA(Spoken) Artistic differences. ALL I betcha you would have done the same! WHEN YOU'RE GOOD TO MAMA MATRON Ask any of the chickies in my pen They'll tell you I'm the biggest mother hen I love 'em all and all of them love me Because the system works The system called reciprocity... Got a little motto Always sees me through When you're good to Mama Mama's good to you. There's a lot of favors I'm prepared to do You do one for Mama She'll do one for you. They say that life is tit for tat And that's the way I live So, I deserve a lot of tat For what I've got to give Don't you know that this hand Washes that one too When you're good to Mama Mama's good to you! If you want my gravy Pepper my ragout Spice it up for Mama She'll get hot for you When they pass that basket Folk contribut to You out in for Mama She'll put out for you The folks atop the ladder Are the ones the world adores So boost me up my ladder, Kid And I'll boost you up yours Let's all stroke together Like the Princeton crew When you're strokin' Mama Mama's strokin' you So what's the one conclusion I can bring this number to? When you're good to Mama Mama's good to you! ALL I CARE ABOUT GIRLS We want Billy Give us Billy B. I. double L. Y. We're all his He's our kind of a guy And ooh what luck Cause here he is... BILLY Is everybody here? Is everybody ready? Hit it! I don't care about expensive things Cashmere coats, or diamond rings Don't mean a thing All I care about is love GIRLS That's what I'm here for That's what he's here for I don't care for wearin' silk cravats Ruby studs, satin spats Don't mean a thing All I care about is love All he cares about is love Give me two Eyes of blue Softly saying, "I need you" Let me see her standin' there And honest, mister, I'm a millionaire I don't care for any fine attire Vanderbilt might admire No, no, not me All I care about is love... All he cares about is love BILLY Maybe you think I'm talking about physical love. Well, I'm not. Not just physical love. There's other kinds of love. Like love of justice. Love of legal procedure. Love of lending a hand to someone who really needs you. Love of your fellow man. That's the kind of love I'm talkin' about. And physical love ain't so bad either. It may be sound odd But all I care about is love GIRLS That's what I'm here for That's what he's here for Honest to God All I care about is love All he cares about is love Show me long Raven hair Flowin' down, about to there Let me see Her runnin' free Keep your money, that's enough for me I don't care for drivin' Packard cars Or smoking Long Buck Cigars No, no, not me All I care about is Doin' the guy in Who's pickin, on you Twistin' the wrist That's turnin' the screw All I care about is love! All he cares about is love! A LITTLE BIT OF SUNSHINE MARY SUNSHINE When I was a tiny tot Of maybe two or three I can still remember what My mother said to me... Place rose colored glasses on your nose And you will see the robins Not the crows for in this tense and tangled web Our weary lives may weave you're so much better off if you believe... That there's a little bit of good In everyone In everyone you'll ever know Yes, there's a little bit of good In everyone Though many times, it doesn't show It only takes the taking time With one another For under every mean veneer Is someone warm and dear Keep looking... for that bit of good in everyone The ones we call bad Are never all bad So try to find that little bit of good! Just a little, little bit of good Is someone warm and dear Keep looking... For that little good in everyone Although you meet rats They're not complete rats So try to find that little bit of good! WE BOTH REACHED FOR THE GUN REPORTERS Where'd you come from? BILLY(as Roxie) Mississippi REPORTERS And your parents? BILLY(as Roxie) Very wealthy. REPORTERS Where are they now? BILLY(as Roxie) Six feet under. BILLY But she was granted one more start BILLY(as Roxie) The convent of The Sacred Heart! REPORTERS When'd you get here? BILLY(as Roxie) 1920 REPORTERS How old were you? BILLY(as Roxie) Don't remember REPORTERS Then what happened? BILLY(as Roxie) I met Amos And he stole my heart away Convinced me to elope one day MARY SUNSHINE(spoken) A convent girl! A run-away marriage! oh, it's too terrible. You poor, poor dear. REPORTERS Who's Fred Casely? BILLY(as Roxie) My ex-boyfriend. REPORTERS Why'd you shoot him? BILLY(as Roxie) I was leavin'. REPORTERS Was her angry? BILLY(as Roxie) Like a madman Still I said, "Fred, move along." BILLY She knew that she was doin' wrong. REPORTERS Then describe it. BILLY(as Roxie) He came toward me. REPORTERS With a pistol? BILLY(as Roxie) From my bureau. REPORTERS Did you fight him? BILLY(as Roxie) Like a tiger. BILLY He had strength and she had none. BILLY(as Roxie) And yet we both reached for the gun Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes we both Oh yes we both Oh yes, we both reached for The gun, the gun, the gun, the gun Oh yes, we both reached for the gun For the gun. BILLY AND REPORTERS Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes they both Oh yes, they both Oh yes, they both reached for The gun, the gun, the gun, the gun, Oh yes, they both reached for the gun for the gun. BILLY understandable. understandable Yes, it's perfectly understandable Comprehensible. Comprehensible Not a bit reprehensible It's so defensible! REPORTERS How're you feeling? BILLY(as Roxie) Very frightened REPORTERS Are you sorry? ROXIE Are you kidding? REPORTERS What's you're statement? BILLY(as Roxie) All I'd say is Though my choo-choo jumped the track I'd give my life to bring him back REPORTERS And? BILLY(as Roxie) Stay away from REPORTERS What? BILLY(as Roxie) Jazz and liquor REPORTERS And? BILLY(as Roxie) And the men who REPORTERS What? BILLY(as Roxie) Play for fun REPORTERS And what? BILLY(as Roxie) That's the thougt that REPORTERS Yeah BILLY(as Roxie) Came upon me REPORTERS When? BILLY(as Roxie) When we both reached for the gun! MARY SUNSHINE Understandable, understandable BILLY AND MARY SUNSHINE Yes, it's perfectly understandable Comprehensible, comprehensible Not a bit reprehensible It's so defensible! BILLY(spoken) REPORTERS Let me Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, they both Hear it! Oh yes, they both Oh yes, they both reached for The gun, the gun, the gun, The gun Oh yes, they both reached For the gun A little louder! For the Gun. Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, they both Oh yes, they both Oh yes, they both reached For the gun, the gun, Now you got it! The gun,the gun Oh yes. They both reached For the gun For the gun. BILLY AND REPORTERS Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, they both Oh yes, they both Oh yes, they both reached for The gun, the gun, the gun,the gun Oh yes, they both reached for the gun. Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, they both Oh yes, they both Oh yes, reached for The gun, the gun, the gun,the gun The gun, the gun, the gun,the gun The gun, the gun, the gun,the gun The gun, the gun, the gun,the gun. BILLY Both reached for the...gun REPORTERS The gun, the gun, the gun,the gun The gun, the gun, the gun,the gun The gun, the gun, the gun,the gun The gun, the gun, the gun,the gun Both reached for the gun. ROXIE ROXIE The name on everybody's lips Is gonna be Roxie The lady rakin' in the chips Is gonna be Roxie I'm gonna be a celebrity That means somebody eveyone knows They're gonna recognize my eyes My hair, my teeth, my boobs, my nose From just some dumb mechanic's wife I'm gonna be Roxie Who says that murders not an art? And who in case she doesn't hang can say she started with a bang? Foxy Roxie Hart! ROXIE(spoken) You wanna know something? I always wanted to be in Vaudeville. And now that I'm a celebrity, I'm gonna have me a swell act, too. Yeah, I'll get a boy to work with- someone who can lift me up, show me off- Oh hell, I'll get two boys. It'll frame me better. Think "BIG", Roxie, think "BIG." I'm gonna get a whole bunch of boys. The name on everybody's lips Is gonna be BOYS Roxie ROXIE The lady rakin' in the chips is gonna be BOYS Roxie. She's gonna be a celebrity ROXIE That means somebody everyone knows BOYS They're gonna recognize her eyes Her hair. Her teeth... ROXIE ...My boobs, my nose From just some dumb mechanic's wife I'm gonna be Sing it! BOYS Roxie ROXIE Who says that murder's not an art? BOYS And who in case she doesn't hang ROXIE Can say she started With a bang? ROXIE AND BOYS Foxy Roxie Hart BOYS They're gonna wait outside in line To get to see Roxie ROXIE Think of those autographs I'll sign "Good luck to you, Roxie" And I'll appear in Lavaliere That goes all the way down to my waist BOYS Here a ring, there a ring Everywhere a ring a ling ROXIE But always in the best of taste Oooh I'm a star. BOYS And the audience loves her. ROXIE(spoken) And I love the audience. And the audience loves me for loving them. And I love them for lving me. And we jus tlove each other. That's because none of us got any love in our childhood. BOYS(spoken) That's right. ROXIE(spoken) And that's show biz, Kid. BOYS Oh yeah. She's giving up here humdrum life ROXIE I'm gonna be BOYS Roxie. She made a scandal and a start. ROXIE And Sophie Tucker will shit, I know To see her name get billed below ALL Foxy Roxie Hart! BOYS Chuh, chuh, chuh, etc... ROXIE(Spoken) Those are my boys. I CAN'T DO IT ALONE VELMA(to Roxie) My sister and I had an act that couldn't flop My sister and I were headed straight fo the top My sister and I earned a thou a week at least Oh, sure! But my sistr is now, unfortunately, deceased Oh, I know it's sad, of course But a fact is still a fact And now all that remains Is the remains Of a perfect double act! (spoken)Roxie, do you know you are exactly the same size as my sister? Oh, you would fit in her wardrobe perfectly. Look, why don't I just show you some of the act, huh? Watch this. (VELMA dances) Now you have to imagine this with two people. It's swell with two people. First I'd...(drums!) Then she'd...(saxophone!) Then we'd...(together!) But I can't do it alone! Then she'd... Then I'd... Then we'... But I can't do it alone! She'd say,"What's your sister like?" I'd say, "Men," Yuk, Yuk, yuk She'd say, "you're the cat's meow" Then we'd wow the crowd again When she'd go... I'd go... We'd go... And then those ding-dong daddies started to roar Whistled, stomped and stamped on the floor Yelling, sreaming, begging for more. (spoken)And we'd say, "O.K. fellas, keep your socks up. you ain't seen nothin' yet!" (VELMA dances) But I simply cannot do it alone! Well? What did ya' think? Come on, you can say. (ROXIE gives her a raspberry) O.K., O.K. The first part can always be rewritten. But the second part was really nifty. Watch this. Then she'd...(See, get it, right?) Then I'd...(Then I'd kick really high...) Then we'd... But I can't do it alone! She'd say, "What state's Chicago in?" I'd say, "ILL!" Did ya' get that? She'd say, "Turn your motor off" I can hear 'em cheerin' still When she'd go... I'd go... We'd go...(Sideways!) And then those two-bit Johnnies did it up brown To cheer the best attraction in town They nearly tore the balcony down (sopken)And we'd say. "O.K. fellas, O.K., we're goin' home, but here's a few more partin' shots!" And this... this we did in perfect unison. (VELMA dances) Now, you've seen me goin' through it It may seem there's nothin' to it But I simply cannot do it Alone! (ROXIE turns her down) Like the deserted bride on her wedding night All alone and shaking with fright With her brand new hubby nowhere in sight I simply cannot do it alone... MY OWN BEST FRIEND ROXIE VELMA One thing I know One thing I know And I've always known And I've always known I am my own I am my own Best friend Best friend Baby's alive Baby's alive But baby's alone But baby's alone And baby's her own And baby's her own Best friend Best friend BOTH Many's the guy Who told me he cares But they were scratchin' my back 'Cause I was scratchin theirs ROXIE VELMA And trusting to luck And trusting to luck That's only for fools Only for fools I play in a game I play in a game Where I make the rules Where I make the rules BOTH And rule number one From here to the end Is 'I am my own best friend' Three musketeers Who never say die Are standing here this minute ROXIE VELMA ME Me Myself Myself And I! And I! BOTH If life is a school I'll pass every test If life is a game I'll play it the best 'Cause I wont give in And I'll never bend And I am my own best friend! Act II I KNOW A GIRL VELMA Can you imagine? I mean, can you imagine? Do you believe it? I mean, do you believe it? I know a girl A girl who lands on top You could put her face Into a pail of slop And she'd come up smelling like a rose How she does it, Heaven knows. REPORTER(spoken) Hold on, everybody, she's comin out now. Well, Doctor, is she or isn't she? VELMA(spoken) She is. DOCTOR(spoken) She is! VELMA I know a girl A girl with so much luck She could get run over by a two-ton truck Then brush herself off and walk away How she does it, couldn't say. BILLY(spoken) So, Doc, would you swear to that statement in court? DOCTOR(spoken) Oh, yeah. BILLY(spoken) Good...you wanna button you fly? VELMA Whilst I on the other hand Put my face in a pail of slop And I would smell like a pail of slop I, on the other hand Get run over by a truck And I am deader than a duck I know a girl who tells so many lies Anything that's true would truly cross her eyes But what that mouse is selling The whole world buys And nobody smells a rat. ROXIE(spoken) Oh, please, ladies and gentlemen of the press- leave the two of us alone so that we can rest. VELMA(spoken) The two of us? Can you imagine? I mean, can you imagine? REPORTER(spoken) Could I have one last picture please? ROXIE(spoken) Oh, sure, anything for the press. VELMA Do you believe it? I mean, do you believe it? ROXIE My dear little baby VELMA "My dear little baby." ROXIE My sweet little baby VELMA "My sweet little..." ROXIE Look at my baby and me ME AND MY BABY ROXIE Me and my baby My baby and me We're 'bout as happy As babies can be What if I find That I'm caught in a storm? I don't care My baby's there And baby's bound to keep me warm We're sticking together And ain't we got fun So much togther They count us as one Tell old man, worry, to go climb a tree 'Cause I've got my baby My sweet little baby Look at my baby and me MARY SUNSHINE(Spoken) I don't see how you could possibly delay the trial another second, Mr. Flynn. My readers wouldn't stand for it. the poor child! to have her baby born in a jail! BILLY(Spoken) I can assure you she'll come to trial at the earliest possible moment. And you can quote me on that. AMOS(Spoken) Hey, everybody. I'm the father! I'm the father! ALL Yuk! Yuk! Yuk! Yuk! ROXIE Looka my baby My baby and me A dream of a duo Now don't you agree? Why keep it mum When there's nothing to hide? And what I feel I must reveal It's more than I can keep insie Let me assure you It won't go away I can assure you It grows everyday I was a one once But now I'm a 'we' "Cause I've got my baby My dear little baby Look at my baby and me MATRON(Spoken) I think it's sweet. First time we ever had one of our girls knocked up. BILLY(Spoken) I've got it and it's brilliant. I'm gonna get Amos to divorce you. That way all the sympathy will go to you- not him. You'll be the poor, little deserted mother-to-be and that crumb is running out on you. AMOS That's my kid! That's my kid! ROXIE AND BOYS Looka my baby My baby and me Facing the world Optimistically Nothing can stop us So nobody try 'Cause baby's rough And full of stuff And incidentally, so am I! Get out of our way, folks And give us some room Watch how we bubble And blossom and bloom Life was a prison But we got the key Me and my baby My dear little baby My cute little baby My sweet little baby My fat little baby My soft little baby My pink little baby My bald little baby Looka, my baby and me! MISTER CELLOPHANE AMOS If someone stood up in a crowd And raised his voice up way out loud And waved his arm and shook his keg You'd notice him In someone in the movie show Yelled "fire in the second row This whole place is a powder keg!" You'd notice him And even without clucking like a hen Everyone get noticed now and then, Unless, of course, that personage should be Invisible, inconsequential me! Cellophane Mister Cellophane Shoulda been my name Mister Cellophane 'Cause you can look right through me Walk right by me And never know I'm there! Cellophane Mister Cellophane Shoulda been my name Mister Cellophane 'Cause you can look right through me Walk right by me And never know I'm there! Suppose you was a little cat Residin' in a person's flat Who fed you fish and scratched your ears? You'd notice him Suppose you was woman wed And sleepin' oin a double bed Beside one man for seven years You'd notice him A human bein's made of more than air With all that bulk, you're bound to see him there Unless that human bein' next to you Is unimpressive, undistinguished You know who... Cellophane Mister Cellophane Shoulda been my name Mister Cellophane 'Cause you can look right through me Walk right by me And never know I'm there!Cellophane Mister Cellophane Shoulda been my name Mister Cellophane 'Cause you can look right through me Walk right by me And never know I'm there Never even know I'm there (Spoken) Hope I didn't take up too much of your time. WHEN VELMA TAKES THE STAND VELMA(Spoken) Billy, I been thinkin' a lot about my trial. Couldn't I just show you what I thought I might do on the stand? BILLY(Spoken) Go ahead. VELMA(Spoken) Good! Hit it! Well, then, when I got on the stand I thought I'd take a peek at the jury. Then I'd cross my legs like this, you know. QUARTETTE When Velma takes the stand VELMA(Spoken) Then, when Harrison cross examines me, I thought I'd give 'em this... and then if he yells at me I thought I'd tremble like this... "Oooh, no, please stop!" QUARTETTE When Velma takes the stand Look at little Vel See her give 'em hell Ain't she doin' gran She got eatin' out of the palm of her hand! VELMA(Spoken) Then, I thought I'd let it all be too much for me, like real dramatic. Then, I thought I'd get thirsty and say, "Please, someone, could I have a glass of water?" QUARTETTE When Velma takes the stand See that kelly girl Make that jury whirl When she turns it on She's gonna get 'em goin' 'Till she's got 'em gone VELMA then, I thought I'd cry. Buckets. Only I don't have a handkerchief- that's when I have to ask for yours! I really like that part. Don't you? Then, I get up and try to walk; oh but I'm too weak, and I slump and I slump and I slump and I slump until finally, I faint! QUARTETTE When she rolls her eyes Watch her take the prize When Velma takes the stand! RAZZLE DAZZLE BAILIFF(Spoken) Mr. Flynn, his honor is here BILLY(Spoken) Thank you. Just a moment. You ready? ROXIE(Spoken) Oh Billy, I'm scared. BILLY(Spoken) Roxie, you got nothing to worry about. It's all a circus, kid. A three ring circus. These trials- the wholeworld- all show business. But kid, you're working with a star, the biggest! (Singing) Give 'em the old razzle dazzle Razzle Dazzle 'em Give 'em an act with lots of flash in it And the reaction will be passionate Give 'em the old hocus pocus Bead and feather 'em How can they see with sequins in their eyes? What if your hinges all are rusting? What if, in fact, you're just disgusting? Razzle dazzle 'em And they;ll never catch wise! Give 'em the old BILLY AND COMPANY Razzle dazzle 'em Give 'em a show that's so splendiferous BILLY Row after row will crow vociferous BILLY AND COMPANY Give 'em the old flim flam flummox Fool and fracture 'em BILLY How can they hear the truth above the roar? BILLY AND COMPANY Throw 'em a fake and a finagle They'll never know you're just a bagel, BILLY Razzle dazzle 'em And they'll beg you for more! BILLY AND COMPANY Give 'em the old razzle dazzle Razzle Dazzle 'em Back since the days of old Methuselah Everyone loves the big bambooz-a-ler Give 'em the old three ring circus Stun and stagger 'em When you're in trouble, go into your dance Though you are stiffer than a girder They let you get away with murder Razzle dazzle 'em And you've got a romance Give 'em the old Razzle Dazzle BILLY Razzle dazzle 'em Give 'em an act that's unassailable They'll wait a year 'till you're available! BILLY AND COMPANY Give 'em the old Double whammy BILLY Daze and dizzy'em Show 'em the first rate sorcerer you are BILLY AND COMPANY Long as you keep 'em way off balance How can they spot you got no talents? BILLY Razzle dazzle 'em COMPANY Razzle dazzle 'em BILLY Razzle dazzle 'em BILLY AND COMPANY And they'll make you a star! CLASS MATRON(Spoken) The whole world's gone low-brow. Thing's ain't what they used to be. VELMA(Spoken) They sure ain't, Mama. They sure ain't it's all gone. (Singing) Whatever happened to fair dealing? And pure ethics And nice manners? Why is it everyone now os a pain in the ass? Whatever happened to class? MATRON Class. Whatever happened to, "Please, may I?" And, "Yes, thank you?" And, "How charming?" Now, every son of a bitch is a snake in the grass Whatever happened to class? VELMA AND MATRON Class! Ah, there ain't no gentlemen To open up the doors There ain't no ladies now, There's only pigs and whores And even kids'll knock ya down So's they can pass Nobody's got no class! VELMA Whatever happened to old values? MATRON And fine morals? VELMA And good breeding? MATRON Now, no one even says "oops" when they're Passing their gas Whatevcer happened to class? VELMA Class VELMA AND MATRON Ah, there ain't no gentlemen That's fit for any use And any girl'd touch your privates For a deuce MATRON And even kids'll kick your shins and give you sass VELMA And even kids'll kick your shins and give you sass VELMA AND MATRON Nobody's got no class! VELMA All you ready about today is rape and theft MATRON Jesus Christ, ain't there no decency left? VELMA AND MATRON Nobody's got no class! MATRON Everybody you watch VELMA 'S got his brains in his crotch MATRON Holy crap VELMA Holy crap MATRON What a shame VELMA What a shame VELMA AND MATRON What became of class? NOWADAYS ROXIE(Spoken) ...Gone, it's all gone. (Singing) It's good, isn't it? Grand, isn't it? Great, isn't it? Swell, isn't it? Fun, isn't it? Nowadays There's men, everywhere Jazz, everywhere Booze, everywhere Life. everywhere Joy, everywhere Nowadyas You can like the life you're livin' You can live the life you like You can even marry Harry But mess around wiht Ike And that's Good, isn't it? Grand, isn't it? Great, isn't it? Swell, isn't it? Fun, isn't it... ANNOUNCER(Spoken) Ladies and gentlemen, the Vickers Theatre, Chicago's finest finest home of famile entertainment, is proud to announce a first. The first time, anywhere, there has been an act of this nature. Not only one little lady but two! You've read about them in the papers and now here they are- a double header! Chicago's own killer dillers- those two scintillating sinners- Roxie Hart and Velma Kelly. ROXIE AND VELMA You can like the life you're livin' You can live the life you like You can even marry Harry But mess around wiht Ike And that's Good, isn't it? Grand, isn't it? Great, isn't it? Swell, isn't it? Fun, isn't it? But nothing stays In fifty years or so It's gonna change, you know But, oh, it's heaven Nowadays ANNOUNCER Okay, you babes of jazz. Let's pick up the pace. Let's shake the blues away. Let's make the parties longer. Let's make the skirts shorter and shorter. Let's make the music hotter. Let's go to hell in a fast car and KEEP IT HOT!